William was an excellent hospital chaplain. He had the kind of professional pedigree that translated into a rewarding long-term career. He had the education, the experience, and the demeanor that set him apart as a chaplain who would be serving others well into his old age. Except, he burned out before his time.

One day William didn’t show up to the pastoral care office as scheduled and we found out that instead, he made a detour to human resources where he made arrangements for a mental health leave. At first it was only suppose to be a few weeks on leave. Then weeks turned into months, and finally William said that just thinking of returning to the trauma gave him uncontrollable anxiety so he resigned. Today, William works a factory job and he talks about how fulfilled he feels away from the emotional stress of spiritual care for others in crises.

Perhaps one day William will return to hospital chaplaincy, but his story screams of one lesson that we all must heed and that is we must practice self-care. Anyone in an emotionally charged work, like a nurse, a paramedic, a policeman, a fireman, a social worker, or a chaplain, must practice self-care if they’re to avoid burn-out and keep their cup of service full so they can continue pouring out to others.

There is an old saying that goes, You can’t give away what you don’t have. We have to provide care to ourselves so we can continue to care for others. Without a way to debrief or shed the trauma from weighing you down, the emotional weight you’ve picked up from others will quickly lead to burn-out. The best of caregivers need to find ways to get a mental break or find physical rest from the emotional weight of grief, sadness, and suffering of others.

When a caregiver invests in helping a patient through a trauma or tragedy or unfortunate disease, they are assuming that situation’s emotional weight upon themselves. The caregiver extends their energy and devotes their mental focus on helping the patient and that transfers the emotional weight of the patient’s circumstances on to the caregiver. The emotional weight of the circumstances — sadness, shock, grief — are absorbed by the caregiver and learning to process that is the difference between burn-out or continuance of caring.

When I first started serving as a chaplain in a hospital Emergency Room, I quickly picked-up that the medical staff resorted to a self-care practice of keeping their focus cerebral when dealing with patients. They tended to keep things intellectual rather than emotional by focusing on the medical condition. I can remember that during that time in my own chaplaincy work I would find myself saying to myself, I am going home tonight. I am going home to be with my family.

In the hospital Emergency Room, it is probably easier to manage caregiver emotional weight through cognitive means because patient encounters are limited, but what about long-term patient care? A great deal of long-term care for recovery of patients doesn’t lend itself to emotional weight on the caregiver because the trajectory is healing and return to normalcy. So in those cases a caregiver can enjoy celebrations of progress in medical care.

There are caregiver roles in home health, hospice, assisted living, and even hospital ICU’s that provide long-term challenges to emotional resistance. Unless you’re a heartless robot, it’s hard to not have an emotional investment in these patients and their families. As a caregiver you are spending a lot of time with them and you’re becoming friends with them. When a patient you’ve become close to dies, you grieve. The emotional weight that you’ve internalized over time hurts. It is when that hurt builds-up and your resilience breaks down that burn-out becomes an avoidable reality.

There is no silver bullet or one-step fits all approach to properly dealing with the emotional weight of care giving, except that every caregiver must be intentional in dealing with it before it overwhelms to point of burn-out. Being intentional about self-care, which is getting away from stress and finding ways to effectively cope, is how you keep your cup of service full so you can continue helping others without going empty.

A female oncologist who was also a mother of small children, was asked by a journalist how she could work in a pediatric oncology and not burn-out by the sadness, depression, and despair of childhood cancer. Her response was, “Everyday I remind myself that I am part of the solution, not the problem, and this is my mission in life.” I think there is an example here for every caregiver. Every home health, hospice, assisted living, and ICU nurse or medical staff could start their day reminding themselves that they are part of the solution, not the problem, and this is their mission.

Starting the day with the right perspective is important. Coping with the stress and emotional weight may be as unique as you are. What’s effective for one May not be effective for another. There is a principle regarding self-care that is valuable and it’s found in Mark 6:31 which says, “Then, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, he said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.” 

The point is getting rest away from your place of stress. It is not a make sure you get a full night’s sleep kind of rest, but a get away from the situation and relax apart from it kind of rest. I once worked with a hospital chaplain who used the first traffic light she came to after leaving the hospital parking lot, to remind her to laugh. She would make her self laugh and laugh loud in her car because laughing was something she rarely got to do on the job. Similarly, there have been many days when I left the hospital parking lot and played loud heavy metal music or some soft instrumental music because it helped shift my mind from the cares that I left in the hospital.

Self-care practices can be as simple as practicing breathing in and breathing out. It can be a moment in your car where you have a chance to close your eyes and meditate or pray. It can be eating lunch at the beach. It can be a phone call to a friend sharing the experiences and stories from the day still bouncing around in your head. It can be talking with a co-worker and letting loose of those conversations from the patient’s family that still have you tied in emotional knots. Self-care is moments or days where you can intentionally rest away from the caregiver circumstances that are adding emotional weight upon you.