One-Liners, Quips, & Zingers

The list of one-liners, quips, and zingers below were penned during a time when I was involved in comedy and humorous banquet speaking. Enjoy!

– – – – – – – – – –
Marriage is two incompatible people learning to live
compatibly and that is the process of love.
– – – –
Relationships are confusing to a man because there are no
time clocks, goal posts, or referees explaining the penalty
calls.
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Marriage therapy begins for the wife at kickoff and for the
husband when they get out of the vehicle at the mall.
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Earth is the only hell some will ever know and the only
heaven others will ever know.
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God is the only writer who can put the first draft in stone.
– – – –
Loneliness is the first thing God mentions in Scripture as
not good.
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The good physician treats, the Great Physician heals.
– – – –
Religion is man’s attempt to get God to love them, the
Bible is God’s attempt to get man to love Him.
– – – –
To be a good husband you need to ask forgiveness quickly
and kiss slowly.
– – – –
I know that I am absolutely right on my political opinions,
but I want to be sensitive to the fact that others don’t
realize that.
– – – –
If you’ve drifted away your Creator, ask Him to reverse the
current.
– – – –
Most brides don’t wear veils for weddings because they
want to see what they are getting into.
– – – –
Wives, your husband is a campfire and if you keep the fire
going, he won’t go out.
– – – –
The difference between a marriage and an affair is one is a
relationship with a real person and the other is with your
imagination.
– – – –
God is older than your problems, so ask Him, He’s got
experience in dealing with it.
– – – –
You can’t see through your darkest times unless you are
looking toward the Light.
– – – –
The good news is, the older I get the closer I am to living
longer.
– – –
Today, I have successfully surpassed my previous record of
the most consecutive days of being alive.
– – – –
Life on earth is hard work, but at least we get an annual
trip around the sun.
– – – –
Memories are like tattoos, you may not know why you did
it but they’re always there to remind you that you did it.
– – – –
If you’re going to fall in love, land on your feet so at least
your head will stay straight.
– – – –
Faith is putting all your eggs in God’s basket.
– – – –
Kissing your spouse may not spread germs, but it will
lower your resistance.
– – – –
A marriage without laughter is a lonely relationship, so if
you don’t have a sense of humor you probably won’t have
any children either.
– – – –
Life is loaded with lots of breakable pieces, which is why
it’s a good idea to stay close to the Creator.
– – – –
Sometimes it’s better to say I don’t and avoid a headache
than say I do and accept a heartache.
– – – –
The bride takes ownership of the marriage because she
bought the dress, the tux was only a rental.
– – – –
I love my wife so much that I can’t express it with words,
so I have to use my lips, arms, and hands.
– – – –
If you are emotionally consumed about redefining your
past, it’s not your past.
– – – –
If you don’t get your way, get over it. If you do get your
way, get on with it. If it’s not your way, get away from it.
– – – –
I’ve seen enough grooms to testify that love must be blind.
– – – –
If you don’t stand for something, your rear end will get
sore.
– – – –
Don’t test the depth of the water with both feet.
– – – –
If someone is pointing to the heavens, the focus is not
their finger.
– – – –
The un-aimed arrow never misses, but it won’t put food on
your table either.
– – – –
The right person usually comes into your life by accident
but stays on purpose.
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Love is being able to look at someone and able to smile
without thinking about it.
– – – –
God used the rib of Adam to create Eve, because a women
deserves to be under a man’s arm and close to his heart.
– – – –
It’s hard to be happy when you won’t let go of the things
that make you sad.
– – – –
Being in love is a condition whose cure is at the will of the
other person.
– – – –
Being married with children is leaving them with a sitter so
you can get away for a date night and spend it talking
about the kids.
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Love is a mental condition that requires a physical cure.
– – – –
Being in love is not being able to not think of that person.
– – – –
God put spaces between your fingers so you can hold their
hand.
– – – –
If you walk away from a relationship without a reason,
don’t expect to get it back with an excuse.
– – – –
Sincerity is the key to a politician’s success, and once they
can fake that they’ll win votes.
– – – –
You have to go to heaven, so you can see how your
grandkids turn out.
– – – –
Sometimes the grass is greener only because there’s more
manure there.
– – – –
Some ministers practice what they preach only by
rehearsing their upcoming sermon.
– – – –
It’s not that some people don’t believe in God, it’s that
they know he’s watching so they are merely entertaining
him.
– – – –
A child has grown up when they stop asking where
they came from and start refusing to tell you tell you
where they’re going.
– – – –
Sometimes love at first sight only last until the second
look.
– – – –
Work isn’t hard, doing nothing is hard, how do you know
when you’re finished?
– – – –
If your husband is right, submit, but if he’s wrong, outwit.
– – – –
If they’re talking behind your back it means that you are
ahead of them.
– – – –
Never follow your heart, until it first consults with your
mind, or you’ll lose both.
– – – –
The only reason a man wants to be president is because he
doesn’t want to wait more than four years for his hair to
turn gray.
– – – –
Looking behind is heartache, looking around is depression,
but looking forward is hopeful.
– – – –
A good listener may actually be someone preoccupied
with their own thoughts.
– – – –
I am a very patient person, except when I have to wait.
– – – –
If you marry for money, you’ll go bankrupt trying to keep
up the interest.
– – – –
Marriage is a game that last a lifetime, requires two
participants, and according to its rules, both win.
– – – –
Youth would be the best part of life if it came after our
50th birthday.
– – – –
I imagine that heaven will be like being born about 81 and
aging down to about 18.
– – – –
Love at first sight is human, but love year after year after
year is divine.
– – – –
Some couples who got married at the courthouse now
wish they would have requested a jury.
– – – –
Today is a gift, that’s why they call it the present.
– – – –
It’s always good to pray on the days that end with the
letter “y.”
– – – –
Forbidden fruit will create a jam.
– – – –
It’s ok to play life safe, when you are retired you’ll have
plenty of time to deal with the regrets.
– – – –
The buck should stop at the offering plate.
– – – –
If at first you do succeed, try something bigger, better, and
what you were afraid to try the first time.
– – – –
If life didn’t have set-backs there would be no going
forward.
– – – –
Laughter is to stress management what goals are to
success.
– – – –
The only secret of success is that there is no secret.
– – – –
Even a knife requires something other than itself to
maintain its sharp edge.
– – – –
Changing the label does not alter the contents.
– – – –
It’s good to be a Christian and know it; it is even better to
be a Christian and show it.
– – – –
An ounce of results is worth a ton of excuses.
– – – –
Excuses are how we lie to ourselves.
– – – –
I studied, crammed, and prepared the best I could for this
eye exam and they still gave me bi-focal glasses.
– – – –
Today I exercised harder than ever, ran hard, got my heart
rate up higher than ever…oh, before I forget, your great
grandmother is here and she says Hello.
– – – –
Marriage is always a good thing, especially if you’re single
and bored with the care-free, stress-free, and debt-free
lifestyle.
– – – –
Wedlock becomes dread lock when the holy becomes
unholy.
– – – –
If a lady settles for a less-than-ideal relationship, her mate
will get a less-than-ideal lady.
– – – –
God’s love story doesn’t have an ending.
– – – –
A boy can maintain a dating relationship, but a man can
commit to a marriage relationship.
– – – –
Time changes things because people change over time.
– – – –
A father might be the head of the house, but a mother is
the heart of the home.
– – – –
I use to write everything down until I realized that the ink
from my mental notes lasted as long as the pieces of paper
I lost.
– – – –
My premarital advice to some couples? Don’t get all
excited about nothing and then marry them.
– – – –
I don’t use the word “obey” in my wedding ceremony,
because I inject humor into it in other ways.
– – – –
You can’t understand love, without first understanding
women…like I said, you can’t understand love.
– – – –
Father’s day is an annual reminder that a moment’s
decision can last a lifetime.
– – – –
A man can take no possessions with him after death,
except his children.
– – – –
Fathers need to know that we are placed in the home as
examples and children will follow that regardless of the
words that go with it.
– – – –
A father is a man who has replaced the money in his wallet
with the currency of his children through photos.
– – – –
Fathers are happier to see that their children look like
them than they are to see them act like them.
– – – –
Heredity is something to believe in when your child brings
home A’s on their report cards.
– – – –
Fathers can tell without teaching, but they can’t preach
without practicing.
– – – –
Everything a husband needs to know to talk to his wife can
be memorized in three word phrases: I love you. I am
sorry. You are right. I am wrong. May I please. Yes you can.
If you want.
– – – –
Prayer is like a guardrail on our earthly journey that keeps
us from falling into carelessness and deviating from our
upward path.
– – – –
Prayer is the wellspring of spiritual health and
rejuvenation.
– – – –
The presence of Jesus is the joy of prayer.
– – – –
If you don’t learn from someone else’s mistakes you’ll run
out of time trying to accomplish what you’re here for.
– – – –
The man who boosts of never making a mistake is married
to a lady who has.
– – – –
Some stress about being able to live only once, I stress
about being able to live right.
– – – –
Pine trees are always greener in the winter.
– – – –
It use to be that American parents wished they could give
their children wealth so they could avoid their hardships,
today we wish we could give our children the hardships so
they would value our wealth.
– – – –
Prayer is the wellness of our soul.
– – – –
Before criticizing your spouse’s faults, consider that it may
have been the reason they’re now yours.
– – – –
Being a husband is like any other job–it helps if you like
the boss.
– – – –
Marriage is not a compromise with your spouse, but with
yourself.
– – – –
The secret to conquering our giants is not the slingshot we
use against it, but the faith we bring before it.
– – – –
Yesterday was marked by mistakes, tomorrow will bring
new failures, but today is our chance to live in God’s grace.
– – – –
If you’re in deep water, you’ll be better off keeping your
mouth shut.
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If you’re going to die, today’s as good as any day, but if you
rather not, hang on a little longer and Jesus will be back to
get you.
– – – –
Veterinarians may be the smartest doctors, because their
patients can’t tell them where it hurts.
– – – –
Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay
interest.
– – – –
Mothers cry at weddings because daughters tend to marry
men like their father.
– – – –
Marriage begins with a wedding, because in wedding the
“WE” comes before the “I.”
– – – –
Marriage can start losing its flavor when couples get so
busy earning their salt that they forget the sugar.
– – – –
Nothing burns up a girlfriend in a sour relationship like the
presence of an old flame.
– – – –
A line is the shortest distance between two points…except
when you’re trying to buy something.
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I’m planning on dying someday, I’m just not planning on
being there when it happens.
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If your wife ever leaves you, go with her.
– – – –
The good thing about being alive is knowing that you’re
not dead yet.
– – – –
Achieving a dream is not about wanting it badly enough,
but about being bad enough at it until you achieve it.
– – – –
Our society is backwards, children can’t read a Bible in
school, but they can in prison.
– – – –
You join a church congregation to grow your faith, but you
join a church committee to lose your religion.
– – – –
If everything is coming your way you are probably in the
wrong lane.
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A man who invests in prayer is a man who is rich in divine
dividends.
– – – –
Wishing doesn’t move the star, but praying moves the One
who put it there.
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There is no such thing as a no-fault divorce, someone had
to propose.
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I have a high tolerance to pain, but only until it starts to
hurt.
– – – –
It’s not that I have anything against hunting or killing
animals for food, it’s just that I have been fortunate that
every time I’ve moved, there has been a grocery store
nearby.
– – – –
We are either one nation under God or we are one nation
under.
– – – –
I run my house…I run the dishwasher, the washing
machine and my kids all around town.
– – – –
I’ve got serious mental problems…I know that because
they are far more complicated in my mind.
– – – –
Be careful about building walls to keep-out hurts…they will
also keep-out happiness.
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Some children are more creative than others…they create
more problems, work, and stress.
– – – –
My wife is as pretty as a picture and she has the frame for
it, too.
– – – –
An open heart toward others is compassion, an open heart
toward God is prayer.
– – – –
Sometimes it takes a tumble to make us humble.
– – – –
The early church was a people of low living and high
thinking, but today we are more like a people of high living
and low thinking.
– – – –
Procrastination is for those who need something to look
forward to
– – – –
If your life is unbecoming to you, you should be coming to
Christ.
– – – –
Some go through life waiting for death, others will go
through death waiting for life.
– – – –
If your Sabbath rest has more to do with a hole-in-one
rather than the Holy One, you may be missing something.
– – – –
Failure is our chance to begin again, but this time without
telling everybody about it.
– – – –
Never, never, never, never, never, never, never give
up…the fact that you forgot your speech notes.
– – – –
If I could go back to High School and start-over, I’d be the
janitor.
– – – –
There has to be more to life than this, because I can’t see
more than a mile around me.
– – – –
If these walls could talk, I’d get really freaked-out.
– – – –
My neighbor told me he doesn’t read the Bible because by
the next day he can never remember what he read
anyway. I said, I can’t remember what ate for lunch
yesterday, but that won’t stop me from eating lunch
today.
– – – –
I tried to set my sail in a new direction but the wind got in
my way.
– – – –
Note to Self: Don’t run on the track while air-drumming to
Keith Moon on Quadrophenia…it’s like propellers on an
airplane and impossible to stop, but at least that lady’s
stroller was empty.
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I met my wife online…it was love at first type.
– – – –
The only thing that has changed since Eden is we’ve
discovered more ways to cover ourselves up.
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We all want to live forever and if you’re reading this, so far
so good.
– – – –
Maybe God is asking you for a sign.
– – – –
Something may have gone wrong if you wake up from your
operation and your surgeon is St. Peter.
– – – –
A hospital room is a place where friends of the patient go
to talk to friends of the patient.
– – – –
I once attended a healing church…they healed me from
insomnia.
– – – –
Diamonds are the hardest thing on earth. How fitting that
they represent the commitment of marriage.
– – – –
Women have an extra incentive to get married, because
they buy clothing with buttons on the back.
– – – –
I’m not a big believer in health food, because now that I’m
old I need all the preservatives I can get.
– – – –
I’m still trying to figure out how I got over the hill without
making it to the top.
– – – –
There will be no marriage in heaven, because God doesn’t
want women to go through eternity feeling like they’re
talking to a wall.
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Very few people actually read the Bible, but everyone
reads those that claim too.
– – – –
He may have left the tomb empty, but He didn’t leave it
silent.
– – – –
Men have two senses: sight and squeeze…that’s why it
confuses me when ladies think they should be supermodel
skinny.
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All play and no work makes Johnny a broke boy.
– – –
I once saw a FedEx truck driving out of our local cemetery.
It made me wonder if the family was just in a hurry.
– – – –
There will be no marriage in heaven, because God doesn’t
want men to miss the magnificence of it all by going
through eternity with only one thing on their mind.
– – – –
I love animals – especially steamed shrimp and grilled
steak.
– – – –
A life without Christ leads to a hopeless end, but a life with
Christ leads to an endless hope.
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Heck is where you’ll end-up if you reject gosh.
– – – –
Parenting is the art of allowing your children to have your
way.
– – – – –
Men know they’re in mid-life when the hair on their legs
starts coming out their ears.
– – – –
I’ve been thinking about becoming a pessimist, but I really
doubt that it would do me any good, anyway.
– – – –
Our churches are in want of ministers who are consumed
by the Holy flame and not concerned with human fame.
– – – –
There will be no marriage in heaven because God doesn’t
want husbands to go through eternity asking “What did I
say?”
– – – –
Failures mark every one’s past, except for those that
attempted a thing so quiet, small, and unimportant that no
one would have noticed.
– – – –
Life is short, so pray longer.
– – – –
Unless you’re still enslaved in Egypt, everything you need
to know to enjoy your freedom is found in those two stone
tablets.
– – – –
God gave father’s sons to have hope and daughters to
have love.
– – – –
Prayer is the avenue to residing in peace, even in the midst
of life’s worst storms.
– – – –
Love might bring a marriage together, but learning to fight
and being willing to fight fair, is what keeps a marriage
together.
– – – –
There will be no marriage in heaven because there will be
better destination for a honeymoon.
– – – –
The Bible doesn’t say what the disciples in the boat were
saying when Jesus was walking on the water, but I’m
guessing doubting Thomas probably said, “Hum, I didn’t
know that Jesus can’t swim.”
– – – –
To remember God’s hand in our past is to hold His hand
into our future.
– – – –
Prayer is to stress what white blood cells are to wounds.
– – – –
If you don’t know what to pray about, you don’t know who
you’re praying too.
– – – –
Mid-life crises is when a man realizes that his retirement
plan has more to do with picking a box and a bridge than
picking a stock and a broker.
– – – –
A gossiper is someone who can’t hold a conversation.
– – – –
It’s all been said before, unless you’re Adam.
– – – –
I saw a television commercial for a laxative that promised
to work while you sleep…I don’t know about you but
that’s not something I want to wake-up you too.
– – – –
Life is short…unlike the word immortality.
– – – –
Poor customer service is usually not an intentional
business decision, just a lack of a decision for intentional
customer service.
– – – –
It’s always darkest before you turn the lights on.
– – – –
A wedding is where a groom relinquishes his bachelor’s
degree and the bride receives her master’s degree.
– – – –
Prayer is the only place on earth where a man can find
rest.
– – – –
If you think a fly-over of F-16’s or the Blue Angels is an
awesome experience, wait till Jesus returns.
– – – –
A teacher’s worst nightmare is not a disobedient and
disrespectable student, but a disobedient and
disrespectable student with perfect attendance.
– – – –
Being able to laugh at yourself is not only emotionally
healthy, but you’ll never be without entertainment.
– – – –
Your disappointment may be His appointment.
– – – –
Christians need to remember that the Bible calls us to be
His witnesses, not lawyers, not judges, and not part of the
jury.
– – – –
Death is where you leave behind all that you have and take
with you all that you are.
– – – –
Remember, when you are down to nothing, God is up to
something.
– – – –
It’s Yahweh or the highway.
– – – –
If you just do the dos, you won’t have to worry about the
don’ts.
– – – –
If you want to be able to stand-up to anything, you must
do it from your knees.
– – – –
Christians ought to keep the faith, but not to themselves.
– – – –
I once made a hospital visit to a terminally ill patient who
said, “Chaplain, you don’t need to pray for my soul, I don’t
care where I’m going, I have friends in both places.” To
which I responded, “Well, which ones do you want to
spend eternity with?”
– – – –
In case you haven’t noticed, the expense and extravagance
of the wedding ceremony has no direct positive influence
on the richness and respect of the marriage relationship.
– – – –
God deals in a currency of faith. Anything other has no
exchange value in the Heavenly economy.
– – – –
It’s easier to say goodbye to a person than it is to a
relationship.
– – – –
There is nothing new under the sun…the best we can do is
scrub it down, re-paint, or spin it so others think it’s new.
– – – –
It’s not going over the hill that worries me, it’s being under
it.
– – – –
Sometimes life is like boiling tea…you never know what
you can do until you’re in hot water.
– – – –
If the Big Bang theory has been proven true, who light the
fuse?
– – – –
When I was a child I had a big family because I had 2
sisters and 2 brothers…now days you have a big family by
having 2 moms and 2 dads.
– – – –
Everything I needed to know for fatherhood I learned from
my Dad…keep the doors close, shut off the lights, and
flush the toilet.
– – – –
Besides a passion for humor and a reverence for God, the
greatest gift my Dad gave me was an understanding of
Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
– – – –
I can’t read lips…unless they’re my wife’s and even then
only when they’re touching mine.
– – – –
For most of us, life is what we do while waiting to die, but
for others, dying is what we do while waiting to live.
– – – –
Mother’s appreciate an epidural for childbirth…they just
wish it would last through the teenage years.
– – – –
Adultery is like a hot tub…once you’re in it you realize it’s
not that hot after all.
– – – –
A proctologist is a med-student whose academic advisor
noticed that they had olfactory problems.
– – – –
If a man steals your heart get even by stealing his last
name.
– – – –
The good news about liars, cheats, and mean people is you
won’t have to deal with them throughout eternity.
– – – –
If you don’t think God understands the ups and downs of
your marriage, consider that He gave us both Revelation
and Song of Solomon.
– – – –
Some couples would be better-off if their marriage
– – – –
license expired like their drivers license.
– – – –
LOVE: Listen to them, Overlook their faults, Value them,
Express your love for them!
– – – –
If you want to get your husband interested in the Bible,
ask him to open it up to chapter 4 of Songs of Solomon
and read it out loud before he can…well, you know.
– – – –
God put our eyes in the front of our head so we wouldn’t
get tripped-up looking at our past.
– – – –
Some people believe when they see the light, but others
won’t believe until they feel the heat.
– – – –
To be born once is to die twice, to be born twice is to die
once.
– – – –
Divorce is the answer if the question is “Can I kill, abuse, or
abandon you for another?”
– – – –
Silence is the best substitute for ignorance.
– – – –
If you and your spouse are drifting apart, get back to
making yourselves one.
– – – –
God gave wrinkles to old people so we will not forget
where our smiles have been.
– – – –
A dentist is a med student whose academic advisor
noticed that they had really small hands.
– – – –
Some employees are like casinos…they make a lot of noise
spinning wheels and pushing buttons, but they rarely give
you anything back.
– – – –
Worry can drive you crazy, but since it’s driving, you might
as well let it drive you to prayer.
– – – –
God doesn’t question our existence.
– – – –
There would be a whole lot less heartache from divorce in
our homes if more people who said “I do” did.
– – – –
A father may be the head of a home, but a mother is
always the heart of a home…otherwise it’s just a house.
– – – –
A Mother is one who delivers a child naturally and then
forever thereafter by automobile.
– – – –
As you grow old, don’t worry about turning gray, worry
about turning blue.
– – – –
Prayer is not always expressed by words under the shelter
of a sanctuary, but by inexpressible groans under the
shedding of tears.
– – – –
God created Eve from Adam’s side, but Adam from dirt,
which is why a women’s tears turn the toughest man to
mud.
– – – –
In a wedding ceremony the man and women are
pronounced one…but marriage troubles begin when they
start to wonder which one.
– – – –
Too many square meals will make one too round.
– – – –
Standing tall on your legs in debate may change minds, but
bowing low on your knees in prayer will change lives.
– – – –
The groom expects her to never change, the bride expects
him to change, but the Dad just hopes they have enough
change to pay the bills.
– – – –
If the names John and Paul make you think of Twist and
Shout, rather than Grace and Peace, you may need to
spend more time in your Bible.
– – – –
Prayer is an anywhere, anytime, free-use, no adaptor
required, Omnipotent wireless connection.
– – – –
Prayer gives no preference to professional status, personal
wealth, or moral worthiness…it levels man’s playing field
before God.
– – – –
Prayer is where God takes your worries.
– – – –
The older I get, the more I realize the older I got, without
realizing the older I get.
– – – –
Prayer coverage is the best way to avoid the wait and get
straight in to the Great Physician.
– – – –
Assumption pretends, doubt wishes, but faith prays.
– – – –
Prayer smoothes-out the rough edges of life.
– – – –
The funny thing is, those coincidences, breaks, and
unexpected good things show-up after prayer.
– – – –
When Jesus said ‘The two shall become one’ he was
saying, ‘Just make that happen’…don’t complicate it by
trying to decide which one.
– – – –
God deals in a currency of faith. Anything other has no
exchange value in a Heavenly economy.
– – – –
The challenge of Calvary to us Christians is, are we also
willing to nail down our commitment?
– – – –
Prayer is how faith believes.
– – – –
When people hurt you, ridicule your faith, humiliate your
beliefs before others, remember that they are helpless
against your prayers.
– – – –
Eat right, live right, die anyway…but after that it’s between
you and God.
– – – –
Troubles move us to prayer, but prayer moves us from
troubles.
– – – –
Aging may take away our youthful looks, but it also masks
our stupidity.
– – – –
As a teenager I lost too many brain cells, so as an adult I
was at least thankful to hold on to my fat cells.

As a church we need to be helping people get born-again,
not forcing pre-mature births that end-up with
complications or struggling on life-support.
– – – –
A life on mission is more rewarding than a life on
intermission.
– – – –
Standing on His promises is not the same as sitting on His
premises.
– – – –
Prayer is like mail, so unless you address it properly, don’t
expect a reply.
– – – –
Don’t let adversity knock you down…except to your knees.
– – – –
Christ did not die to save us in our sin, but from our sin,
not in death, but from death, not in the grave, but from
the grave.
– – – –
Christ is not seen through 20/20 vision, but through the
healing of the blind man, the calming of the storm, and
through the empty tomb.
– – – –
Christ did not die for sin, but for the sinner, not for our
rights, but for our wrongs, not for hurts, but for hope.
– – – –
When you feel like you’ve run out of reasons to be
thankful, check your pulse.
– – – –
Short prayers are fine, if you’re not too far from God.
– – – –
A man who walks upright before others is a man
who kneels before God.
– – – –
A day without prayer is a day without.
– – – –
It’s not the words we use, but the want that we bring that
moves our prayers to connect with Heaven.
– – – –
Marriage should be like a pair of scissors, securely joined
together but sharply cutting away anything that gets
between.
– – – –
Love gets to a women’s heart through her ears, but a
man’s heart through his eyes.
– – – –
No news is impossible.
– – –
If character was a prerequisite for our political
leaders…we’d have no reason to put our hope in the
coming Kingdom of God.
– – – –
If at first you don’t succeed…move somewhere where
nobody knows that.
– – – –
It’s not that some people are so void of biblical truth, it’s
just that they’re so full of religious error.
– – – –
Follow your dreams…except for the ones where you’re
falling.
– – – –
I hate it when people tell me that their pets are their
children. It makes me wonder about their love life.
– – – –
Old age is when you think, “If I could live life all-over, I
wouldn’t.”
– – – –
My homeschooling neighbor was standing in their front
yard, then I remembered it was “See you at the Pole” day.
– – – –
If you want to reconnect with the friends you lost touch
with, open Facebook. If you want to reconnect with the
God you lost touch with, open His book!
– – – –
Prayer is not seeking the right words but seeking the right
God.
– – – –
Prayer works when we work prayer.
– – – –
The first recorded words of Satan, after the fall, were “Did
God really say that?” The first recorded words of Jesus,
after his baptism, was “It is Written.” So
whose conversation are we continuing?
– – – –
Grand-parenting is like multi-level worrying.
– – – –
When I was faced with a post-divorce dysfunctional family
life, all I could do was blame it on my parents, because
they didn’t screw me up enough to know how to deal with
it.
– – – –
Success is sweet, failure is sour, but regret is very bitter.
– – – –
Every tragedy, injustice, and act of evil in our world
becomes a memorial that begs an answer to the question,
“Am I secure enough in my faith to survive the same?”
– – – –
Wisdom is knowing how stupid you really are.
– – – –
If a church member is a hypocrite, imagine how bad he
would be if he weren’t a church member.
– – – –
The gap between the head and the heart is bridged with
hope.
– – – –
The uncertainty of tomorrow is calmed by the prayers of
today.
– – – –
If you want to know how much trouble a church
congregation is having, ask someone whose not part of it.
– – – –
Parenting is the art of bringing up children without beating
them down.
– – – –
THE CROSS: The Hope Eternal, Christ Redeemed Our Sinful
Souls.
– – – –
Some churches add to scripture, subtract from grace,
multiply the law, and divide believers.
– – –
You can not act the same, if you’re born again, because
you are not the same.
– – – –
It’s not that older people are wiser, it’s just that as we get
older the body slows down so much that all we can do is
think.
– – – –
Over the years I’ve lost the same 15 pounds over and over,
my weight would go up and down…my doctor calls this the
rhythm method of girth control.
– – – –
A man can rise no higher than when he is on his knees.
– – – –
Life stinks…that’s why the church has pews.
– – – –
Don’t put off till tomorrow…what your wife is thinking you
should do today.
– – – –
Unanswered prayers remind us that only God knows the
future.
– – – –
Sometimes people need a helping hand…like a strong
push.
– – – –
Politics and churches have a common ground…choices are
usually made based on emotions rather than the original
written founding document.
– – – –
The last flight believers take will be an all-expense paid
trip, ultimate accommodations, and best of all…we will get
to lose our baggage!
– – – –
Getting all worked-up about something outside of you is
usually a sign that there is something inside of you that
needs to be worked-out.
– – – –
There will be no crown wearers in Heaven who weren’t
cross bearers on earth.
– – – –
People in power need the power of people in prayer.
– – – –
Saying ‘yes’ to a new life, can’t happen until you’re ready
to say ‘no’ to an old life.
– – – –
The wages of sin is death…so you have until payday to
change your work status.
– – – –
A prayer in time saves thine.
– – – –
I know my grandchildren are going to be champions,
because out of millions of contestants in the marathon
race to fertilize the egg, my grandchild got there first!
– – – –
Life is full of stress…the only people on this earth who
have no stress are those who have taken up residence at
the cemetery.
– – – –
Membership in the Kingdom of Heaven is available to all,
for free, to everyone under the Son.
– – – –
If you spend more time within the walls of your church
then within the pages of your Bible, you’re probably
missing the point.
– – – –
A narrow mind is easily exposed by a big mouth.
– – – –
Some socially active spouses don’t like wearing a wedding
ring, because it cuts off their circulation.
– – – –
Children are God’s invitation to spend more time in prayer.
– – – –
Prayer is the band-aid that covers the hurts of life.
– – – –
Everybody has a purpose in life…even if it is to serve as a
bad example.
– – – –
Marriage is like employment with an attractive
company…if you stop doing what you were hired to do,
they’ll find someone else to do it.
– – – –
We tend to trust most in God when we can’t understand
it…when we can, we are usually comfortable with being
our own God.
– – – –
COEXIST…until the lake of fire.
– – – –
When I was younger I use to ask, Why not? Now that I’m
older I ask, What for?
– – – –
The Bible says to “greet each other with a holy
kiss”…apparently the apostles didn’t like this shaking hand
thing either.
– – – –
I am a minister, a comedian, and a father of four children
whose ages span 16 years…all I really can do is pray and
laugh.
– – – –
This cold snap in the south has helped me understand why
we have more Baptist here than up north…the idea of
eternal heat must be appealing to those in the north.
– – – –
I use to think “When my kids are adults, I won’t worry
about them anymore”…now I think “When I’m dead, I
won’t worry about them anymore.
– – – –
I hope in the resurrection…not because of a new body, but
because of a new mind, without any trace of guilt, nagging
regrets, or worries.
– – –
The good news about a new year is that we are further
from our past regrets, mistakes, and sorrows and closer to
the return of Jesus Christ.
– – – –
The first day of a new year should be like the first verse of
the Bible…when it starts with God the rest of it will have
meaning.
– – – –
In a good year, you have peaks and valleys…in a bad year,
you have erupting volcanoes and unexpected sink holes.
The solution to worldly-thinking Christians is not more
time at the church, but more time being the church.
– – – –
We mistakenly think the church is a building…no wonder
we find it easy to be in the world, when we are only in
church one hour per week.
– – – –
A life without Christ is like eating cornbread without
something to drink…you’ll end up choking, gagging, or
needing a Heimlich maneuver.
– – – –
To really benefit from another’s advice, first decide if you
need their opinion or want their approval, then remind
yourself of that after they poo poo on your parade.
– – – –
If God’s not in it, God’s not for it.
– – – –
Some people won’t change…until their life no longer
depends on it.
– – – –
Some people dream only in their sleep, some people
dream while they are making it a reality, and others have
no clue what I mean.
– – – –
If hospitals are for people with illnesses and women go
there to have babies, is it any wonder that parenting can
cause such heartaches?
– – – –
Some public prayers remind me of Magellan – the first to
sail around the world…and like his crew I just wish they’d
put it into port.
– – – –
Saying to someone, ‘I’ll cross my fingers for you” just
doesn’t quite sound as hopeful as “I’ll pray for you.”
– – – –
At birth we cry while others rejoice…if we live our lives
right, it will be the other way around when we die.
– – – –
Relationships are like climbing a ladder…you don’t jump
up to where you want to go, you start with the bottom
wrung and take one step at a time.
– – – –
Life is like an EKG…it has its peaks and valleys, but it is
when nothing is happening that you should worry.
– – – –
Prayer is where the mind is transformed.
– – – –
Thanksgiving is not just a day…it’s the attitude that
inspires spiritual contentment, professional success, and
relationship happiness.
– – – –
Success and happiness is attracted to an attitude of
thankfulness regardless of what you have, don’t have, or
won’t have.
– – – –
Marriage is like the NASCAR championship…it is not
measured by one outcome, but it is determined by one’s
consistency and perseverance.
– – – –
Getting feed-up can be a good thing…the toilet paper
wasn’t invented until someone got feed-up with tree bark
scratches and leaf rashes.
– – – –
Falling in love is like a hurricane…while you might be
aware of the calmness in her eye; it’s the outer parts that
get your attention.
– – – –
Life is like a Rolling Stones concert…it starts out unclear,
but over time you’ll recognize the music you came for.
– – – –
A life without Christ leads to a hopeless end, but a life with
Christ leads to an endless hope.
– – – –
You may not reach your goal, but you will go farther
toward it had you never set that goal.
– – – –
Adults know it as Halloween, children call it Trick or Treat,
but to Jehovah Witnesses it is future member training day.
– – – –
Parenting children can be like eating jalapenos…they add a
kick to an otherwise tame experience, but in the end they
can burn you.
– – – –
The employees at the store were taking ownership of their
work…I knew that because they treated their customers
like they were trespassers.
– – – –
It’s OK if you find yourself on Stupid Street…just don’t
build your home there.
– – – –
God’s gift is eternal life. God’s mercy is eternal death.
– – – –
God’s grace is giving us the choice.
– – – –
You can lead a horse to water, but only if you have one.
– – – –
If the Big Bang theory explains it all…who lit the fuse?
– – – –
Success is like being a quarterback…if you’re to accomplish
anything; you have to be willing to start at the bottom of
some one’s butt.
– – – –
A man knows he is in mid-life when he has more hair in his
ears than on his head.
– – – –
It’s a friendly church with a friendly choir…even during the
songs the congregation and them are raising their hands
waving to each other.
– – – –
Don’t believe everything you hear, see, or think…a lie is
only a lie if it’s believable.
– – –
An idle mind is probably male.
– – – –
Jesus was a carpenter. I know some people don’t think
he’ll ever be back, but he did say he was “going to prepare
a place for us” and since he was a carpenter I’m sure he
wants the job done right.
– – – –
Banks confuse me. Growing up with 5 kids in the family I
would continually hear my parents say, “What do you
think – that money grows on trees? Then I grow up and
found out that banks call themselves branches.
I have a problem trusting a vegetarian for spiritual
advice…they are the ones who got us kicked out of the
Garden of Eden.
– – – –
Sometimes even a good Baptist boy needs to
become Catholic and pray “Hail Mary full of grace, keep
my eyes upon her face.”
– – – –
I’ve adjusted to the Southern practice of motherly type
store clerks calling me sweetie or honey, but when they’re
obviously younger than me, I can’t decide if it feels creepy,
awkward, or just humorous.
– – – –
Life is like Disney World…you get excited about going
there, doing everything you wanted to do, but eventually
you get tired and want to go home.
– – – –
Life is like shopping at a Wal-Mart…You’ll get where you’re
going, if you’re not distracted by all the things you didn’t
come for.
– – – –
Laughter is like chicken noodle soup…you may not know
why, but it makes you feel better.
– – –
Love is divinity through humanity.
– – – –
Divorce is like dealing with a death, except you have to
smell the stench of the body until you’re done paying child
support.
– – – –
Life is love, love is life, God is both.
– – – –
Marriage is like the Olympics…you compete by yourself,
but you have a team mate to share in the rewards.
– – – –
Relationships are like email…unless you check it regularly,
it will be overrun by other people’s interests, objectives,
and issues.
– – – –
Laugh and your friends laugh with you, cry…and your
friends start talking in a very soft voice.
– – – –
Christian can celebrate Christmas with a little Ho, Ho, Ho,
and a lot of He, He, He!
– – – –
There will be no marriage in heaven…because Mom-andDad-alone-time will be a little tricky, remember how Jesus
walked through the closed door to startle doubting
Thomas?
– – – –
We are born wet, crying, and scared, and then it
gets worse.
– – – –
Achieving a dream is not about wanting it badly enough,
but about being bad enough at it until you achieve it.
– – – –
If God is not between a husband and wife, someone else
will.
– – – –
Getting married is like fishing, except a man gets hooked
and reeled in on his own line.
– – – –
To talk with your wife, a husband only needs to memorize
three word phrases: I love you. I am sorry. You are right. I
am wrong. If you want.
– – – –
If you have nothing to be thankful for, just be glad things
aren’t any worse, and you’ll have something to be thankful
for
– – – –
Some couples get married at a very early urge.
– – – –
It takes two people to make a marriage, one to make a
divorce, and all the children to make up for it.
– – – –
Sometimes “I do” doesn’t mean “I will.”
– – – –
The good thing about being alive is knowing that you’re
not dead yet.
– – – –
The only reason a man wants to be president is because he
doesn’t want to wait more than four years for his hair to
turn gray.
– – – –
A man who invests in prayer is a man who is rich in divine
dividends.
– – – –
Time heals everything…that’s why physicians make you
wait so long.
– – – –
Our society is backwards…children can’t read a Bible in
school, but they can it in prison.
– – – –
The Bible is not a book on the heavens, it’s a book on
getting to heaven
– – – –
If a husband loves his wife enough that she’s sorry to see
him leave for work, she’ll love him enough that he’ll be
thankful to get home.
– – – –
The Bible in 30 words…
God made,
Adam ate,
Noah arked,
Egypt plaqued,
Water parted,
Law gave,
Saul freaked,
David peeked,
Kingdom divided,
Messiah came,
Sacrifice made,
Christ arose,
And Jesus is on the way!
– – – – – – – – – –